It’s my birthday today, but it’s not just any birthday, today I am turning the big 30! And as I reflect on the last 10 years of my life, I’m in awe of how much I’ve truly grown and changed. I mean, I’m sure it’s obvious and normal for people to change over a ten-year span, but I never would have imagined my life to be what it is now.
You see, 10 years ago, I didn’t know God.
I said I believed in Him, but that was truthfully the extent of my faith. I had never read His Word before. I only prayed when I was in really bad trouble. I never thought to thank Him for anything. I viewed everything I had was because of me, my talents, and my abilities. My identity was in my academics and achievements. I was a performer. I struggled and strived to be perfect in every area of my life. I thought if I told the universe what I wanted, it would give it back to me. I believed that I was in control of everything and that it all depended on me. I was paralyzed with fear, anxiety, and feeling like I had to be all and do all.
I was lost, so lost. And through it all, God was right there with me. I just didn’t know it yet. I remember thinking to myself after I had graduated college, that there had to be more to life than going to school, working, getting married, and having a family. There had to be more to life than this. And it was in that searching, a friend challenged me to be more involved with church. The only problem was, I hadn’t gone to church since almost 10 years prior. And to make things worse, I had sworn off church, believing the lie that I didn’t need church to have a relationship with God. My view on church was so skewed. I viewed church as a place, not as the body of Christ, His people, His bride.
But after much thought, our family decided to find a church.
But it wasn’t just any church, it became our home. It became the place that I truly found Christ. Finding Christ changed everything. It was then that my biggest question was answered. There is more to life.
10 Things God Has Taught Me In My 20’s:
1. Chasing worldly things only brings emptiness.
As I shared at the beginning of this post, so much of my identity was wrapped up in the things of this world. It’s no wonder that I felt less than and incomplete. The things of this world fade and when you make them your identity, you will start fading along with them. I learned this the hard way. I chased after money and success like I needed it to breathe. Every single time, I fell short or even if I attained it, I would feel momentary happiness. But it was fleeting. And soon after, I would feel empty again, which only caused me to strive even harder than before. The harder I chased and hustled, the more burn out I would experience. To be honest, I cannot stand the word hustle anymore. The world wants you to hustle, while God wants you to surrender. It’s taken me 30 years to understand that Jesus is truly the only One who can fill me fully, completely, and exceedingly.As I shared at the beginning of this post, so much of my identity was wrapped up in the things of this world. It’s no wonder that I felt less than and incomplete. The things of this world fade and when you make them your identity, you will start fading along with them. I learned this the hard way. I chased after money and success like I needed it to breathe. Every single time, I fell short or even if I attained it, I would feel momentary happiness. But it was fleeting. And soon after, I would feel empty again, which only caused me to strive even harder than before. The harder I chased and hustled, the more burn out I would experience. To be honest, I cannot stand the word hustle anymore. The world wants you to hustle, while God wants you to surrender. It’s taken me 30 years to understand that Jesus is truly the only One who can fill me fully, completely, and exceedingly.
2. Why and how to guard my heart.
I never truly understood the importance of this until two years ago. I quickly learned that there are safe people and unsafe people that you can share intimate details of your life with, follow, seek guidance from, learn from, or ask for prayer. And it’s incredibly important to discern which people you are to guard your heart from and which people you are to open it to. But guarding my heart goes beyond people. The Holy Spirit revealed to me that it has everything to do with the type of music or podcasts I listen to, the type of shows, movies, and videos I watch, the type of books I consume, the places I go, specific days I celebrate and participate in, and even what type of thoughts I allow myself to think and believe. Am I feeding my heart with things that are toxic, evil, and ungodly or am I feeding my heart with things that will strengthen and encourage me, as well as glorify God?
3. It’s okay to not be okay.
This one was hard for me to accept. Not because I struggle with perfectionism, but because of how I was raised. I was raised in a house where depression was believed to be a choice. A choice where I could immediately get out of it and if I didn’t, it was because I was choosing to stay in it. This has never been something I’ve believed, but because my family did, it caused a lot of hurt and pain growing up. Depression is a real thing. I have struggled with it all of my life; however what is different now is that I now know God loves me in spite of it. He’s with me, always. He’s holding me. He never leaves me. And if you struggle with depression too, I pray you find the same comfort and peace in knowing that God is holding you too. Our Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit. There’s a song that I love that has really helped me get through these times. It’s called “Maybe It’s Ok” by We Are Messengers.
4. Lamenting brings true healing.
Two years ago, when I found out about my husband’s addiction to pornography, my heart was completely broken. Everything I believed became unrecognizable. I was devastated. I had never experienced that amount of heartbreak before. Not only was I angry and hurt with my husband, but I also become angry and hurt with my Father God. I couldn’t understand why He would let this happen? Through my grieving, the Lord led me to a book called “No More Faking Fine” by Esther Fleece. This book brought me so much healing. Healing that I never knew or believed would be possible. It taught me how much God wants me to be real and vulnerable with Him. And to go to Him with whatever I am feeling, even if it’s anger or distrust towards Him. One night I will never forget, as I was laying in bed next to my husband sleeping, I looked at him with so much contempt and anger. I couldn’t fall asleep because I was so angry, bitter, and hurt with his pornography addiction and with God for allowing it to happen. It all came flooding out of me , as I laid in bed crying out to God, not holding any of my emotions back. I shared all of my hurt, all of my anger, all that I felt I had lost, all that I felt had been taken from me, all that would never be the same again, that this is not what I asked for. I shared everything that night. God not only met me in my brokenness, but He heard me. He listened. I had never experienced healing like that before. Was everything fixed? Not even close. But it was at the moment, that I felt I was no longer alone in my sufferings. I was comforted with knowing and understanding that God was mourning and grieving with me too. And that’s where my healing came from.
5. Forgiveness is more than a one time action.
I don’t know about you, but forgiveness has never come easy to me, especially with loved ones. I’ve always found it easier to forgive a stranger, then someone I truly love and care about, especially if they repeat these offenses. And if I’m being fully transparent, this is something I’m still deeply working on right now. Somewhere along my childhood, I picked up the false belief that forgiving someone meant saying what they did was okay. Like it gave them permission to do it again. But truth is, forgiving someone for the pain they have caused me, has nothing to do with them, but everything to do with me. Forgiving someone is also not a one time occurrence, it’s something I must do over and over again. Forgiving someone is not saying what they did was okay, but saying that what they did will no longer have any power, any hold over me. I refuse to allow what they did to bring bitterness into my life. Christ came to pay the ultimate price to forgive you and I of our sins, so we can walk in His freedom. I am called to forgive others as Christ has forgiven me, so that I can continue to walk in that freedom and not be burdened by unrighteous anger, fear, or anxiety.
6. It’s not about being right, it’s about being merciful.
Pride is something I have always struggled with. I sometimes think I have more pride than most men I know, which is ironic, because that sounds prideful! Haha! But in all seriousness, I’ve learned that being right isn’t fulfilling. It may definitely seem like it in the moment, but then reality kicks in. This is true especially when my husband and I have a disagreement. I used to always want to win the fight and be right and while that victory would feel so good for the moment, soon after I realized not only had our problem not gotten solved, it got worse, and I had disrespected him in the process. Can you imagine if every time, I did something wrong, God was there to rub my nose in it? You know who does that? Satan. You know who does not do that? Jesus. There is no condemnation in the Name of Jesus. He is full of mercy and grace. Being right doesn’t get you where you want to go, but being full of mercy and compassion, does.
7. What surrendering my life to Christ really means and looks like.
I feel like I’ve just now started understanding what it truly means to surrender my life to Christ. I have learned and grown so much more in these past 4 months than I have in these past 10 years. One thing the Lord revealed to me, was that while I have been saying I’ve surrendered my life to Him, since 5 years ago, I really wasn’t. I would play tug-of-war with Him over certain areas of my life. I would surrender it, but then pull it back for me to try and control. Or I would pray for guidance and direction, but then do what I wanted anyways. While God does give us freedom of choice/free will, He still hopes that we choose and seek Him first. And often times, what I want and what God wants can be two very different things, when I’m not faithfully aligned with Him. Surrendering my life to Christ looks like my palms facing up to Him, versus clenching my fists and holding onto what I want as tightly as can be. There are so many things that have happened, that I would never have chosen for myself, but because I surrendered to the Will of our Lord, there has been so much good producing fruit that has come from it. Which leads me to the next thing God has shown me.
8. The importance of being obedient.
Just as parents bless their children for being obedient, God is no different. However, there are also consequences our children face when they aren’t and the same goes to us, as God’s children. Prior to knowing God, I was ignorant in my sin. However, now that I know who God is and I know His Word, I am no longer ignorant in my sin, I am now disobedient in it. Ignorance is not knowing better, disobedience is knowing better, but not caring. I cannot tell you how many times I have walked my own path, made decisions based on my fleshly desires, fallen flat on my face, and sat there throwing myself a pity party. Do I believe that God can use all things for good? Absolutely! But I also now know that the more obedient I am to Him, His Will, His Direction, His Calling, His Ways…the more I will know Him. The more I will experience, hear, and recognize His Voice. Since July, I have heard God more than I ever have in my entire life. And I know it’s because I am now truly living in obedience to Him. I hear Him speaking to me daily. There has been so much good fruit produced, since I started walking in obedience and submission to Him. If you are currently not walking in obedience to Him, understand there is grace given to you by Him, but you must also do one incredibly important step first. Which leads me to the next thing God has revealed to me.
9. The importance of repentance.
Being raised Catholic, confessing my sins was something that had always been engrained in me, but because I didn’t believe or agree it was necessary to confess to a priest, I failed to understand the true value and importance of repenting to God. This is another thing that God has been deeply working on me this year and I’m so thankful that I now understand how important and necessary it is. For so many years, I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hearing God the way I wanted. Often times, I would pray and I never knew if God would hear me. It was like throwing confetti in the air, hoping it would stay in the sky, but seeing it fall all around me. That’s how I felt about my prayer life. Until I started repenting to God for things I did years ago, months ago, weeks ago, days ago, seconds ago. There were times that I felt separated from God and wouldn’t hear Him and it was because I had unrepented sin. I pray that you don’t take the importance of repentance lightly and allow the Holy Spirit to convict you of the areas where you haven’t repented or turned away from your sin. Which also leads me to the next thing God has taught me.
10. Prayer changes everything.
How many times have you heard the expression that there is power in prayer? I’ve heard it a ton of times. It’s definitely not just a cliche, because now I know it’s absolutely true. I have experienced this first hand. I have seen it. I have felt it. I have heard it. I have witnessed it with others and now with my own prayers. I truly believe that one of our biggest, most valuable, most powerful tools we have, which is direct connection with God through prayer, is completely underutilized and underestimated. This isn’t to shame you, because listen, I’ve been there too. But this is to encourage and help you see just how truly powerful prayer is. God challenged me to really go deep in prayer this year by writing down my prayers each month, as well as my answered prayers for that month. That way I can reflect on how faithful and good my Father is. He has taught me not to just pray for myself, but for others, for our world, our nation, our communities, our schools, our neighborhoods, our friends, our family, our loved ones, and even praying for the salvation of others. Our Lord has faithfully answered so many of my prayers this year. But if we want our prayers to be heard, we must first get right with the Lord.
As I step into this new journey and maturity of life, I can’t help but be eager to see all that God will teach me and accomplish over these next 10 years of life. In the Hebrew culture, 30 is the age you fully mature. It was also the age when Jesus started His ministry. My prayer is for God to continue to use me for His Kingdom.
If there is any part of this post that spoke to you, please let me know. I’m an email, or a comment below away to just listen to you from a non-judging, grace-filled, loving place. I am right here with you, holding your hand in spirit, reminding you that there is so much more to life. And it’s found in Jesus. You are so loved.
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